During a brief separation, I had my first sexual experiences with cis and trans women. They were ecstaticI’m a thirtysomething woman who has been with the same man since I was 21. I’ve always known I was queer but was monogamous with him until, during a brief separation, I had my first intimate experiences with cis and trans women. They were ecstatic and affirming in the parts of me that they unlocked, as well as the agency I felt in seeking to fulfil desires I had long consigned to fantasy. I can’t imagine going through life never again experiencing the range of emotion I did in those moments.My partner and I are now back together and in some ways stronger than ever as a couple – more communicative and committed to the relationship. I’ve told him everything written here and more, including my desire for an open relationship. He has said he needs time: he can imagine one day being OK with us exploring our sexuality together with a third person, but at present he does not want to have sex with anyone else and can’t conceive of what it would be like to know or suspect that I am doing so. Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one probl